A Note 2018.

 

''Each year. I write something I call ''A note'' and the year it's written. Sometimes it's added to something, sometimes it's not. This year. Has been a hellish one. Worse than it used to be, but now, now I refuse to bend and accept it. I fight with my own motivation to be better and be myself at all times.''

 

 

 

 

You’d think things would get easier as time progressed.

But for me?

It always got harder.

I used to get envious.

Seeing everyone else have such easy lives.

There were times when I dreamed I could be someone else.

The problems I faced.

I faced alone.

I didn’t rely on anyone.

Why would I?

I had tried that before.

I tried to make it clear how I was feeling.

How I was struggling.

But, they didn’t see it.

Or maybe, they didn’t want to see?

I kept quiet afterwards.

I had tried trusting my mother.

But that had only led me down a path of pain.

I had so many thoughts that was torturing me.

Mental wars caused by doubts and hesitation.

Yet, nobody guessed that.

I grew colder and angrier at things.

They just chalked it up to me having a bad day.

Then a bad week.

Then, they ignored that too.

I didn’t know how to show sadness.

I had no idea how to cry.

It might sound silly.

But I had been beaten down so many times.

That I forgot how to show signs of suffering.

I felt no physical pain.

Yet my psychological pain was off the charts.

They wanted me to be positive.

I couldn’t be something I didn’t understand.

I was always tired, felt like I had no energy.

Hoping it would get better.

But it rarely did.

I had one happy day.

Followed by a month of hell.

I didn’t bother to let anyone know.

Watching those I had as friends.

Fade away.

It just made me realize.

Good people die.

Bad people live.

That’s the way life goes.

When I finally got out of my hellish depression.

I had been given the chance to get a job.

Tried out different shifts.

I had found a path of peace.

Through a journey of hell.

I thought I could move on with my life.

Get an apartment.

Get a better life.

Then it happened.

On the 14^th in the 2^nd month of 2018.

I was proven wrong.

I never really talk about how I feel about that day.

It was like all the gates of hell opened one last time.

The last-ditch effort to end me once and for all.

And it worked.

The scene plays out in my head.

Every day.

Every minute.

And every second.

Burned into my mind.

I felt like a klutz.

I had background training in this sort of thing.

Yet I could do nothing.

I watched for 26 long minutes while paramedics could do nothing.

My mind slowly cracking.

My thoughts running rampant.

‘’Please wake up’’.

Were the last words to come from me.

That day shattered the mentality that I had built up through hell.

The ‘’Mad man’’. Had finally succumbed to life’s hell.

But this was not the end.

My understanding of time fractured.

In a desperate attempt to reclaim my personality, I tried everything.

Listened to everyone.

I wasn’t ready for what was coming.

I was alone.

Hearing everyone try to give me advice.

Walk a path they saw fit for me.

But then.

I met someone.

Who taught me that the only one who can make these decisions.

Is me.

Now I refuse to bend down and let them control my thoughts.

I forced the shattered mind together under an old flag.

Never would I give up.

I hope you’ll think twice now.

Now I stand with myself at the centre.

Hells flames can’t even scare me.

Judgemental thoughts can steer clear.

I am the one who critique myself the worst.

I’m not scared of what comes next.

After this life and its hatred for me.

Taking the time to surround me.

Pointing all its guns at me.

I’m taking aim at what I want.

Today is the day that I rise from the ashes.

You will not get in the way of me.

I’ll do what I want.

When I want.

Take back my ambition.

My goals are set.

Never will I back down.

I don’t care for what you say now.

I don’t need your negativity.

Think you can push me down?

Think you will succeed where life failed?

The 14^th always will be burnt into my mind.

It will never leave my past.

But it will not be what slows me down.

I don’t need your opinion.

I have reached the moment where I have my own thoughts freed.

No longer will I be shackled.

What I want to do.

Is my decision.

I’ve had scraps.

But now I want everything.

You can’t understand what’s its like?

That doesn’t matter to me.

I’m not here to be your slave.

I’ll do what I want now.

And forever.

I’m walking through the mental land of my mind.

There’s nothing to oppose me.

No doubt or sorrow can erase me.

I will never quit being me.

If you are fighting every day.

If you are worried about losing.

Know that there’s something moving in the endless night.

It will reach you.

The shadows that plagued me.

Now bow to my words.

That’s what I have done.

I can’t blame myself for what has happened.

I won’t be blamed for it either.

If anyone feels like I could have done more.

Then by all means.

Try being me at that moment.

I’m not going to let your negativity seep into my mind.

I have my memories.

I have my words.

My thoughts are getting stronger.

My survivability is high.

I won’t just adapt to the situation.

I will walk any length to hold onto my own mind.

I’m never quitting.

If you can’t understand me for wanting to move on.

Tough luck.

I don’t care for your pitiful attempts.

I always thought that it mattered what others thought of me.

All I ever did was to try to obey to their thoughts.

But I am not going to be a pet.

Not just going to settle for being third or fourth place.

I will take first place.

I’ll be second to none.

Let my adaptability and survivability run free.

Rule over this mind with a unified thought.

My vision was clouded for so long.

I felt like I had no purpose.

I felt even worse after all that.

This year’s ability to kick me down.

Should be respected.

But I got my reasons.

I must be willing to think about me.

I’ll be relentless.

Stand with my past.

Not denying it.

Let it be what it is.

Have it to tell you.

I’ve walked through hell.

You think you are better than me?

I don’t think so.

I’ve long denied my right to use my brain to think.

Afraid to make mistakes, because I’d look bad.

Mistakes makes us learn.

I will make many mistakes.

I’ll wear those with pride.

A comfort zone is the hellish place.

Leave it while you can.

Or die in it.

The last day that I could think of life as maybe it would kill me.

That last day.

Is now.

I don’t care.

Tomorrow is the day where I fight a new enemy.

Stop focusing about what’s wrong in my head.

Instead I’ll embrace my flaws.

Use them.

They are my weapons.

I will fight the new war.

Be myself and never let it get under my skin.

Focus on what makes everything great.

I want things to work?

Time to adapt to things not always working.

Instead of getting angry.

Stand above it and laugh.

Solutions are to be thought of.

Not brute force.

Maybe:

I’m not the strongest.

I’m not the smartest.

But I am the one who can fight the war in my shoes.

So, they say the 14^th should be a day of great sorrow.

And it is.

But I won’t let it control me.

I am what I am.

Who I am.

Is up to me to decide.

I must do whatever it takes to stand strong again.

You want me to not do anything?

Go hide in your fortress.

I’m leaving mine.

My flanks are open.

Let me see what you got life.

I have come to meet your challenges.

If I suffer defeat or setbacks.

I’ll learn from it.

I’ll read every book.

I’ll study every path.

Not going to doubt myself.

Let’s see where this path goes.

In my heart, is a wolf.

Its fur blackened by the night.

Its eyes coloured red by the blood it has bled.

Don’t you just hate being below it?

You can mock me.

You could laugh at me.

Then you expected my help?

I won’t help you.

This is my note.

These are my words.

How sick and tired I’ve become.

And how anti defeatist I’ve become.

A select few wanted me to be myself.

Now I’ve reached that moment.

I am myself.

I will always be myself.

I will fight for my code of honour.

Do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

So, if you claim that I ‘’used to be smart’’.

Well, fuck you.

I am beyond your words.

I’ll make you eat your words.

I’ve wasted enough time being depressed and lazy.

My words have truly become my mine.

 

Who I am

 

 

   

Look Into my Eyes.

Know that I am considered a monster.

Think you know my name?

Am I a psycho?

Or am I a bringer of death?

The fallen or the forsaken?

Deceiver or Monster?

Fighting this is hopeless.

Who I am is important.

My actions seep into your brain.

How much time before you go insane?

I’m infecting your mind.

Breaking through your lines.

Blackened skies.

The night is coming.

Are you prepared?

No three headed dog can control me.

You disapprove of my actions?

I’m surviving the hells that was brought to my door.

If memory serves, I’m going to be hated.

But I’m fine with this.

I won’t care for your opinions.

Opinions aren’t important to me.

I’m my own self-critic.

No one looks at me the same way as me.

Why would your opinion matter of me?

If I critique myself in everything I do.

You should open your eyes.

I am not here to be your slave.         

If you are worried about my mental state.

Then ask about it.

Don’t come and throw accusations at me.

Try to make me feel uncomfortable with my choices.

I’ve had enough.

My life.

My decision.

Want a part in it?

Then you will stop looking down on me.

If not?

Then leave my life.

I’m in control.

The night has come.

Red eyes in the darkness.

I got you now.

Who am I?

I’m the one who fights for his own survival.

Don’t open your mouth on things that you can’t comprehend.

Better be quiet.

If you don’t understand what’s happening.

Then don’t made your fucking judgement.

Your gods can’t reach into the land of shadows.

Where someone like me lives.

Godless survivor.

With a greater comprehension of life than you.

Try to poison my mind.

I’ll cure your sickness.

Don’t try to speak with my authority,

I don’t find that entertaining.

I’ll oppose your actions.

Speak against me and I’m laughing.

You can’t claim to be the older when I’m the wiser.

I know how the world works.

I see it in another light.

Who am I?

I’m the night wolf.

They call me Nachtwulf.

An identity I’ll happily accept.

It’s who I am.

My reality.

My life.

My actions.

Hate me for it.

You can declare me an idiot.

But you should know.

I don’t fucking care for your opinion.

 

 

Nightmare

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The way they look at me.

The way I’ve been talked to.

What I have done to reassure myself.

Was I bad?

Was I good?

Or was a nightmare to those who couldn’t stand me.

Dreams left unhindered.

Angered from my existence.

You hate me.

I can relate.

I hate myself too.

But I know what I am.

A nightmare by choice.

Fought the hell of being alive.

Forced to sit through the mental destruction of myself.

I can’t really claim to have been your perfect son.

You hated me for not bowing down.

I took my chance to break out.

War of attrition.

Your resources fading.

Your resolve was lacking.

Break my mind.

Tear down my world.

Never could you break my will.

Never would I bend.

A nightmare created in your image.

What a mother you were.

Greedy and horrifying to us.

Faked to be a kind soul.

But I knew the truth.

I accepted the life you had given me.

Made me the worse thing in your life.

Hated by them all.

I’d show them what you had made me.

Hated you with all my being.

Never thought of peace.

Gripped the axe of war again.

Broke your grip over me.

My father taught me many things.

You hated what I learned.

I did what I saw fit.

Morally grey.

No care for my own survival.

All that mattered was your downfall.

I will never be a slave.

I won’t be your tool.

Never will I bow to those who wish to make me surrender myself.

If you want war.

I’ll give you the war of your life.

I’ve fought mental wars.

I’ve gone up against things that is better left uncared for.

No matter the pain people put me through.

I’d always learn new ways of surviving it.

No self-preservation required.

Your defeat was inevitable.

You couldn’t win the fight you had prepared for.

I am so much more than some broken man.

Returned to strength in record time.

And now you find yourself exposed to my hatred.

I will show you the face of the one angered by this life’s unfairness.

It slowed you down.

I stared through your soul and smiled ever so wickedly.

I have succeeded you.

Using the combined traits of my father and your own tools.

I have declared a victory beyond your comprehension.

Am I evil by nature?

No, I’m a nightmare anomaly.

Feared by those who lack understanding.

I will tear out your hearts.

Break your minds.

I don’t care for who you are.

My fury is unmatched.

Step on me once and that’s shame on me for letting you.

Step on me twice and your foot is ripped off.

Try stepping on me for a third time and I take your empire as my own.

Power unfit of a morally accepted person.

If you do something I disapprove of.

The law protects you from being killed.

But I can still be the nightmare that you fear.

I don’t need your excuses.

Blame me for everything.

I don’t care.

I am something for you to know by heart.

Calm down, I’m not going to kill you.

You’re family after all.

Even if your eyes scream that you hate my inability to save him.

I don’t care anymore.

You want to fight me now?

After how it made me feel?

I carried the guilt for too long.

Now I have broken its neck.

I will never bend.

Never break.

Only fight on until my life ends.

No surrender.

No retreat.

I refuse to be a slave to my own sorrow.

I speak like a nightmare.

Haunting your soul.

I never fall.

Instead I rise.

Like the nightmare I am.

 

So many days, you’ve been gone, time has passed, yet my wounds still remain, nearing another day where I want to sit down and just ignore the world, but I can’t, they probably thought that I don’t feel, but I don’t deal with sadness the same way as them, I fight every day to not give in to what makes me want to stop walking. Days, they just run by, but I have no concept of their passing, each hour, my mind is fixed on that day, if only I could turn back time, do everything right, have total control over that day, I know it probably wouldn’t change anything, but it would feel better if I could have tried. I tell everyone that I’m alright, yet each time, I’ll find a new fault my the way I am, ever since I stopped pretending to be some one else, I’ve felt so much grief, each memory that plays in my head, a gift or maybe a curse? I remember your voice, while others may have trouble to do so, all the advice you gave still plays in my head, our many talks and arguments, how I wish I could have them again, to stand there and watch you take over a guided tour of how the Russians raided the Swedes, I’d love to hear you talk about the things that I didn’t know, learn the things you had in your head, I’m at my breaking point to what I know, despite how hard I try, I can’t really accept what’s happened. They tell me that reality is harsh and I already knew this, but to hear you when you talk about history and getting to know more than that. Watching you get angry at something when it didn’t work properly, yelling at an object that can’t talk back, I keep hoping that I can be half the man that you were. No matter how rough life was, I always had a warm home, despite all the things that they did, I knew that you would be there, so, I can’t believe how many days you’ve been gone, I’m grateful for the days I’ve had, but I wish there could have been more, how useless I felt, trained to do good, yet I couldn’t do anything that day and no matter how many times I tell myself, I could have done nothing more, I still can’t help to blame myself. If I could have had more days, then maybe this wouldn’t be so hard, taken before your time, yet, I know, I could have done nothing more and now I just count the days in life that I am given, to remember you.

Proud

 

 

 

 

I walked through the hallways at my work, signing what I needed to sign, to show that I had done my job, the clock struck 3 am, I was all alone, the humid air in the building was all I had, then at a window, I saw a man. He looked old and gray, his coat looked so heavy, I had to go there, because some of my work was there, I walked past him, nodded a hello and put my hand on a door, when he spoke to me, his voice was soft and his word rang in my head, ''it's a fine night, wouldn't you say?''. I stopped to those words, smiled to him and agreed, he asked if I had time to talk, since there wasn't many there for him to talk to, I glanced at the paper on the wall and then back to him, gave him a gentle nod and walked over, the man looked content while observing a plane outside, he asked me a question, ''What is your name?'', it was a strange question to me, my badge had my name, but I still answered, he just smiled at me again and looked out again, nothing seemed to bother him, so we started talking, minutes passed by, laughing and talking about how things were different from his time, I listened to him talk about all things, felt a warmth in my formerly frozen heart, I couldn't place it, but I felt like I had met him before. Then the clock struck 4 am and I sighed to myself, I said I had to go, I had things to sign, but I asked him if he'd still be there once I got back, he nodded and said ''I got all the time in the world.'' I nodded and walked off, repeated my nightly cycle, thinking about the man standing there at the window, intrigued by how he spoke and once I got back, he was still standing at the same spot. I quickly signed the paper and walked over, he looked at me with a smile, ''you are true to your words, kid.'' I nodded and looked out the window myself, said the words that kept ringing for me. ''This is how I was raised to be, I denied this for too long, duty comes first, but nothing wrong with talking to people'', my words freed me from my thoughts, but the man chuckled at what I said, a warm smile on his face, he placed his hand on my shoulder and said to me, ''Son, you sure are different from what they all say, you hold such values, despite what you've been through, I'm here to tell you that your father is proud of the man you've become. It's nice to see that despite it all, you are building a new life, I'm sure it was hard for you, but you never gave up, so keep on doing what you are doing and never forget your roots, because the world lacks the people that are willing to be like you.'' I listened to his words, stumbling back on the mentioning of my father, I had said nothing about it, how could he know? His smile still felt warm as he let go of my shoulder, a tear rolled down my chin and I knew that this wasn't a normal encounter, he looked at the time and chuckled once more. ''I'm sorry to cut this short, but I must go, remember that it's all a matter of perspective, but you have done good despite how you've suffered at the hands of others, so take care now, keep being who you are, that's what you do best.'' He shook my hand and started walking off, I asked what his name is, remembering I had forgotten to ask, but he just smiled to me and held his finger to his mouth and walked out to the hallway, I ran after, full of questions, but I saw nothing out there, I only saw my co-workers arrive from the elevator, it sure felt a bit weird, but the warmth in my heart spread to the rest of my body, suddenly I smiled, knowing that it was alright, I had those words, repeating in my mind, I felt watched and I turned around and what I felt was the same warmth walk past me, it was nice to know, that I'm not alone.