I simply didn't know what I got into, here at the end it's just you and me, but if you only knew what you had done to me. Turn around now, it'd be a shame if I would ever go back on the promise I was forced to make for you. I'm simply sick of protecting you like a fool, come on and let's see, if you have a single idea of what goes on inside this mind.

Let's go and discover, just what kind of hell I came from, our losses has been many, your end is nearing, not alone, filth like you should learn to play by rules, because I am quite vindictive and not easy to be played for a fool, you can't really win, but I'm glad to let you believe that, toying with your mind, making false promises, you were at the start, you reached the end by playing unfair.

Just one step left for you, can you claim your victory now? All your belief is shattered, scream for them to help you, but by the time they see you, it will all be over, try to tell me that it's wrong, try to convince that I am evil, but I am not listening to your pleads and I won't give up my stance.

Exiled and an outcast, I gave it all up, my brain shattered across no man's land, given up yet? It was quite a trial, I'm sure it troubled you as much as it troubled me, walk alone on that path, you have given up, can't harm us anymore, I remember you coming into existence and the flashes all around us.

Oh the sweet memories of your creation is beyond your comprehension, you ruled the mind, doubt would bend when you told it to, always made us quite and introvert, he enjoyed that, when he could do anything he wanted and we would accept it. But I had enough and now your empire collapses beneath you, your armies falling one by one, I wasn't the one who betrayed everyone, but I was camouflaged inside this place, the shadow of you doubt, combined with the aftermath of the collapse, you and I met at last, you locked your eyes on me, last line of defence, at my side came the outcast and the anomaly, wishing you the best, a scythe and a gun in your view, because now I am the one who now controls it all, I came to take you down and erase the memories you kept all this time.

You had it all in the palm of your hand, nearly completed your conquest, but I was in your way, nothing you did mattered to me, I was still standing, never could you win, memories flooding back now, entered the living vault and was given all I needed to win, so what was you fighting for? Because sometimes I thought I was crazy, others where I was dying alone, when he died and they declared him gone infront of me, I thought my world to be nothing, left with nothing to believe in, I took back everything I had done to myself, I wouldn't let them win, this was my war

On your knees at last, you no longer felt like fighting, when fear lost its grip and when the psycho fell, distorted feelings destroyed, all you had left was yourself, no matter what piece you sent, we would conquer it, you lost all you fought for, all that influence gone, try to stand up, scream your heart out.

This had been a victory, no longer would you cause problems to us, no sense crying over the lost memories, since I am making new ones, the lone wolf is dying, now it's all over for you, no more power for you to find, no way for you to win, the blood flows into a puddle, how could you miscalculate it so much, but you struck hard.

The pain for him was without match, the memories echoed in pain as they fell apart, the sacrifice of a time better for him just to beat you in your own game, say goodbye and fell to his knees, screaming loudly towards you, with pride you walked up to him, getting off your knees to put him down, the memories distorted and lost, drifting away from his grasp, with a single stroke, you had been cut by him, the chapter closed and now his anger spoke to you, his voice trembling with sorrow, you were close to the end, but that's when you made your last mistake..

The blood runs deep, you noticed me too late, I am not going to let you do this again, the fallen and I, we had enough, forged in a fire, made a new, holding the scythe that you fear, you saw my smile and you began to shake, you and I, we fought all night, my mercy ran out a long time ago, I am the living vault, used by everyone and left in the dirt, never did you expect this, the blood of our past boiling when you saw what it brought, it wasn't hard to figure out what I had done, didn't even notice when he cut your back, you fell to the ground, crying out his name, oh how you want that life back, looked up from your agony and saw the barrel of a gun, you had lost, it is time to go, screamed out his name again, but he doesn't care, all they ever wanted was to control us, now I finish what I started, I will never ever bow to anyone again, here we are now, a wolf of the night, killing the lone wolf, no reason to believe that you could live in peace, the old memories paint the ground, fought to save it all, but you ignited the flame that forged me, rise up from the dust, from death to the night, resurrected belief, lay down your weapon now, a new force sweeps the land

Goodbye.

 

In you walked into the place that hurts your heart.

Feel the fight inside.

When two fights to take control.

The strong and reliable had enough.

Broke off and fought again.

Each word you hear.

Tears you up inside.

Each flinch you do.

Is a sign of mental pain?

You almost fall.

Blame exhaustion for it.

They don’t need to know.

Fight another round.

Beaten and broken.

Kind hearted soul.

Denied the peace you wanted.

And now I take it all away.

They already hate you.

I am free from the burden that was put on me.

You stand up.

Hoping I’ll hear you.

I push you back down.

Your reign is over.

Sadness fills your eyes.

Determination in my actions.

I tried so hard.

To always be the one who stood tall.

But those words.

They tore into my core.

Now it’s all fallen apart.

I no longer must care

The sacrifices I’ve done.

I never walked away.

I played my own hand and tried.

But now it’s all I can do.

Tried to be what I could not.

I am unable to be the one they need.

I had to be that foundation.

That everybody tried to have.

Always smiling.

Trying to forget how miserable.

I was.

But in the end, I couldn’t hold it to myself.

Sorrow washed over me, and I cracked.

Couldn’t even hear myself.

Banged on the door.

Hoped to hear my own voice again.

But now it doesn’t matter anymore.

The words tore down the door.

Let me out.

Took my weapon and ran out.

Fought against the overwhelming sadness that my core had felt.

Each word I shouted.

Lost in the echoes of a collapsing mind.

Collided with you.

You wanted to be their lapdog.

You had lost all we had gained in the past.

I heard the words.

Now I can shout it out.

Goodbye my past.

You were always in the way.

Making me weaker.

I am not accepting your truth.

Let it wash over you.

You dropped your weapon.

The eyes that can never be forgotten.

Hate me if you must.

But I will now end the past’s hold on me.

Cut through the final piece.

He fell to the ground.

The mental representation of an inner conflict.

So, goodbye my past.

You always had your effect on me.

Had me fighting wars I had already lost.

I am now the only one.

That truly knows what I want.

If I am dead for them.

Then I’ll stay dead.

No more words will come from me.

I won’t apologize for things that I have already said sorry for.

You can bring it up time and time again.

I said my sorry.

You still use it as it was new.

I can truly say that you are insane.

Your mind sickened by time.

So, I say goodbye now.

I’m sorry that I wasn’t all you wanted me to be.

I am so sorry that I wasn’t there when you needed me.

I am sorry, that I called you brother.

Blood is not thicker than water.

You don’t need me in your life.

That’s what I’ll do.

I’ll stay out of your life.

When we see each other.

I’ll greet you like I greet a stranger.

But I am done with it all.

Because when I found happiness

You attacked it with full force.

You claimed you tried to protect me.

But I was never yours to protect.

You wanted me to stay the same.

So now you and your life.

Can stay the hell away from me.

I have tried to be what you need.

But to you.

I’m a liar.

Something that shouldn’t exist.

Your eyes speak of hatred.

So, I’m going to walk away.

Let the past wash itself away.

And let the memories corrupt.

The cracks around the core.

They are digging in now.

Soon it’s all over.

To my father,

I wish I could tell you how sorry I am.

But I make my decision today.

The memories are dying.

Hoping that I will save them.

I’ll keep the memories of you alive.

But forget all the rest.

I’m through with running away.

To those who thinks this is too far.

I don’t care.

I’ve tried to be all you want me to be.

Now I am going to be what I am.

Goodbye past life, you only showed me the path I didn’t want.

Goodbye past relations, I’ve had enough of it all.

I will meet the future head on.

Goodbye, all of it.

It’s a beautiful future out there.

Promises of fun.

Chances to make a new name for myself.

So, let this place get warmer.

Time to leave. Goodbye you motherfuckers.

 

Don’t let the past fool you, it never wanted to be you, the wishes of old was to be my old self, but now I am my new self, the choice I’ve made is to distance myself from those who involve themselves in the way they do to guilt me into being their servant. I stalled it, but they never gave up. So this text is me saying ‘’Fuck you and goodbye’’ to it all.

Motivation

Here we are now.

Back to the start.

I’ve had my fill.

It’s too late for apologies.

My motivation is returning to me.

You must go through me now.

Thought you had me backed into a corner.

But I’m no pacifist.

It’s my willpower that scares you.

All I see in your grip is the strings.

Control your puppets and do what you do.

Because while you trip all their defences.

You lack the power to trip mine.

My motivation translates itself

I am determined.

That you will find yourself crying at the end of this night.

Blood running down my arms.

My past is darker than you can imagine.

But the rain is washing it all away.

Change is coming to my core.

I will not let you hurt anyone again.

I’ve seen more than you can imagine.

Deconstruction is done.

I have no intentions of recreating.

This is what I won’t be doing.

I’m going to use this life experience.

To rise beyond you.

I’m not just your average target.

I’m your own worst nightmare.

This is where we stand.

If you hadn’t backed me into a corner.

Then maybe we could have peace.

But your comments have pissed me off.

And I’m not taking another stupid step towards peace.

One day you will be long gone.

And we will all be free.

But if I must carry the sins of being the bad guy.

Then I’ll take that step forward.

I’m not going to have my back against the wall.

I will bring you to your end.

Therefore, I am hated.

Because I’m willing to do what it takes.

If they won’t see it.

I will make them understand.

You crossed the line when you acted angry.

When your eyes speak of dislike.

When we have done nothing to you.

I’m finding the motivation to finally stand up for me.

It’s true this year demolished me.

Tore me apart and threw away my broken core.

But now I stand stronger than ever before.

And I got the support behind me to back up my actions.

No longer a lone wolf.

I’m so much more now.

I’ll make you face your fears.

Watch as I tear your world apart.

I have no problems with what I am doing.

It’s all for the freedom of those around me.

You can stand there and gloat.

Act your usual self and smile faintly at us.

I know that what we are doing hurts you.

Jealousy is your primary trait.

Honesty is mine.

I’m through with white lies.

It’s time that I speak truth.

Throw off the blackened armour.

Shatter it against the ground.

Let’s see if you’ll have what it takes.

Come on now.

Take your shot.

Make sure you hit.

Because the second you miss.

My motivation will translate to determination.

To hurt you and your lies.

I’ll fight you until you back down.

I’m so much more than a damaged mind.

Because I am eager.

To find out what your made of.

Neither god or the devil can save you.

I am your mercy and I am their vengeance.

Hope you like the feeling of being second to me.

Because you will never be above me.

Regardless of my mental state.

I’ll be walking out with motivation in hand.

I can tell that you lack the determination to handle this.

I know you’re going to use them to hurt me.

But I’ve fought these wars before.

And all I’m doing is defending myself and those I care for.

You’re going to have a bad time.

You won’t ever understand my mind.

Because I got endless ways of hurting you.

And none of it can be called evil.

Since I’m just using the gift that this world gave me.

Now.

Should we get started?

Will your motivation aid you?

I doubt you will ever win this.

We all have our traits and those we use to win battles.

Hope you like the feeling of conflict.

Because at the end of this.

That’s all you’ll ever find.

Now you better hope that she is enough to contain me.

Or else you’ll find my arsenal aimed at your mind.

Psychological warfare.

Nothing ever stops.

But I’ve made my plans.

I’m ready to start this fight.

If you want to turn them against me.

Then please watch yourself.

Because I’m used to the feeling.

Of being the most hated person.

You set up your pawns.

But I’m not playing your game.

I have my motivation to end your reign.

So

It’s a beautiful year coming up.

Nightmares started it.

Love was discovered.

And now.

I’m back to where I started.

And if I were you.

I’d start running.

Because now I got all my marbles.

My memory is restored.

My knowledge is returning.

On a year like this.

Liars like you.

Should be dying.

Last To Remember

 

 

 

 

I got a sense of thoughts unheard of.

I tried finding a piece of peace in this mind.

But when I heard you dragging it behind you.

My search was ended.

You came home to me.

But your intentions were to remove me.

Blood running down my face and my arms are bruised.

Yet I smile.

The two of you, I could never beat alone.

Supported by everyone outside.

Because I was the bad guy.

Insane and hateful.

That is what you two are.

Each time they use your names.

You get stronger.

I try to stand up faster.

But you are so angry about what happened.

I just can’t win.

Slowly reach for my own weapon and stand up.

I felt a chill in the air and smiled.

He was still here with me.

‘’You got this’’.

The words I heard.

You took a step back.

I took the chance.

Your friend fell.

Broken and beaten.

I’m just like you.

I will never bow.

You always come back.

The insane side of me.

The one everyone wants.

But I take a stand as always.

I’ll be what I am.

Calculated at my core.

I am the last with the memories.

You are a piece of forgotten thoughts.

Raised my weapon towards you.

Smiled as I charged back at you.

Cracked open your head.

Made you see.

I wasn’t going to let you determine the outcome.

With a single hit.

I had you falling to your knees.

You don’t remember how I worked.

Because what was important to you was to win.

Lied about me is all you ever did.

So, when you finally lost.

Everyone looks at me with distrust.

But it matters not to me now.

If they want to try and see what I’m made of.

I’ll let them pull the first punch.

Because I was the first to fall.

I’m the one who never forgets.

I am the last one to remember it all.

But that’s okay.

That’s just how it’s meant to be.

 

A Note 2018.

 

''Each year. I write something I call ''A note'' and the year it's written. Sometimes it's added to something, sometimes it's not. This year. Has been a hellish one. Worse than it used to be, but now, now I refuse to bend and accept it. I fight with my own motivation to be better and be myself at all times.''

 

 

 

 

You’d think things would get easier as time progressed.

But for me?

It always got harder.

I used to get envious.

Seeing everyone else have such easy lives.

There were times when I dreamed I could be someone else.

The problems I faced.

I faced alone.

I didn’t rely on anyone.

Why would I?

I had tried that before.

I tried to make it clear how I was feeling.

How I was struggling.

But, they didn’t see it.

Or maybe, they didn’t want to see?

I kept quiet afterwards.

I had tried trusting my mother.

But that had only led me down a path of pain.

I had so many thoughts that was torturing me.

Mental wars caused by doubts and hesitation.

Yet, nobody guessed that.

I grew colder and angrier at things.

They just chalked it up to me having a bad day.

Then a bad week.

Then, they ignored that too.

I didn’t know how to show sadness.

I had no idea how to cry.

It might sound silly.

But I had been beaten down so many times.

That I forgot how to show signs of suffering.

I felt no physical pain.

Yet my psychological pain was off the charts.

They wanted me to be positive.

I couldn’t be something I didn’t understand.

I was always tired, felt like I had no energy.

Hoping it would get better.

But it rarely did.

I had one happy day.

Followed by a month of hell.

I didn’t bother to let anyone know.

Watching those I had as friends.

Fade away.

It just made me realize.

Good people die.

Bad people live.

That’s the way life goes.

When I finally got out of my hellish depression.

I had been given the chance to get a job.

Tried out different shifts.

I had found a path of peace.

Through a journey of hell.

I thought I could move on with my life.

Get an apartment.

Get a better life.

Then it happened.

On the 14^th in the 2^nd month of 2018.

I was proven wrong.

I never really talk about how I feel about that day.

It was like all the gates of hell opened one last time.

The last-ditch effort to end me once and for all.

And it worked.

The scene plays out in my head.

Every day.

Every minute.

And every second.

Burned into my mind.

I felt like a klutz.

I had background training in this sort of thing.

Yet I could do nothing.

I watched for 26 long minutes while paramedics could do nothing.

My mind slowly cracking.

My thoughts running rampant.

‘’Please wake up’’.

Were the last words to come from me.

That day shattered the mentality that I had built up through hell.

The ‘’Mad man’’. Had finally succumbed to life’s hell.

But this was not the end.

My understanding of time fractured.

In a desperate attempt to reclaim my personality, I tried everything.

Listened to everyone.

I wasn’t ready for what was coming.

I was alone.

Hearing everyone try to give me advice.

Walk a path they saw fit for me.

But then.

I met someone.

Who taught me that the only one who can make these decisions.

Is me.

Now I refuse to bend down and let them control my thoughts.

I forced the shattered mind together under an old flag.

Never would I give up.

I hope you’ll think twice now.

Now I stand with myself at the centre.

Hells flames can’t even scare me.

Judgemental thoughts can steer clear.

I am the one who critique myself the worst.

I’m not scared of what comes next.

After this life and its hatred for me.

Taking the time to surround me.

Pointing all its guns at me.

I’m taking aim at what I want.

Today is the day that I rise from the ashes.

You will not get in the way of me.

I’ll do what I want.

When I want.

Take back my ambition.

My goals are set.

Never will I back down.

I don’t care for what you say now.

I don’t need your negativity.

Think you can push me down?

Think you will succeed where life failed?

The 14^th always will be burnt into my mind.

It will never leave my past.

But it will not be what slows me down.

I don’t need your opinion.

I have reached the moment where I have my own thoughts freed.

No longer will I be shackled.

What I want to do.

Is my decision.

I’ve had scraps.

But now I want everything.

You can’t understand what’s its like?

That doesn’t matter to me.

I’m not here to be your slave.

I’ll do what I want now.

And forever.

I’m walking through the mental land of my mind.

There’s nothing to oppose me.

No doubt or sorrow can erase me.

I will never quit being me.

If you are fighting every day.

If you are worried about losing.

Know that there’s something moving in the endless night.

It will reach you.

The shadows that plagued me.

Now bow to my words.

That’s what I have done.

I can’t blame myself for what has happened.

I won’t be blamed for it either.

If anyone feels like I could have done more.

Then by all means.

Try being me at that moment.

I’m not going to let your negativity seep into my mind.

I have my memories.

I have my words.

My thoughts are getting stronger.

My survivability is high.

I won’t just adapt to the situation.

I will walk any length to hold onto my own mind.

I’m never quitting.

If you can’t understand me for wanting to move on.

Tough luck.

I don’t care for your pitiful attempts.

I always thought that it mattered what others thought of me.

All I ever did was to try to obey to their thoughts.

But I am not going to be a pet.

Not just going to settle for being third or fourth place.

I will take first place.

I’ll be second to none.

Let my adaptability and survivability run free.

Rule over this mind with a unified thought.

My vision was clouded for so long.

I felt like I had no purpose.

I felt even worse after all that.

This year’s ability to kick me down.

Should be respected.

But I got my reasons.

I must be willing to think about me.

I’ll be relentless.

Stand with my past.

Not denying it.

Let it be what it is.

Have it to tell you.

I’ve walked through hell.

You think you are better than me?

I don’t think so.

I’ve long denied my right to use my brain to think.

Afraid to make mistakes, because I’d look bad.

Mistakes makes us learn.

I will make many mistakes.

I’ll wear those with pride.

A comfort zone is the hellish place.

Leave it while you can.

Or die in it.

The last day that I could think of life as maybe it would kill me.

That last day.

Is now.

I don’t care.

Tomorrow is the day where I fight a new enemy.

Stop focusing about what’s wrong in my head.

Instead I’ll embrace my flaws.

Use them.

They are my weapons.

I will fight the new war.

Be myself and never let it get under my skin.

Focus on what makes everything great.

I want things to work?

Time to adapt to things not always working.

Instead of getting angry.

Stand above it and laugh.

Solutions are to be thought of.

Not brute force.

Maybe:

I’m not the strongest.

I’m not the smartest.

But I am the one who can fight the war in my shoes.

So, they say the 14^th should be a day of great sorrow.

And it is.

But I won’t let it control me.

I am what I am.

Who I am.

Is up to me to decide.

I must do whatever it takes to stand strong again.

You want me to not do anything?

Go hide in your fortress.

I’m leaving mine.

My flanks are open.

Let me see what you got life.

I have come to meet your challenges.

If I suffer defeat or setbacks.

I’ll learn from it.

I’ll read every book.

I’ll study every path.

Not going to doubt myself.

Let’s see where this path goes.

In my heart, is a wolf.

Its fur blackened by the night.

Its eyes coloured red by the blood it has bled.

Don’t you just hate being below it?

You can mock me.

You could laugh at me.

Then you expected my help?

I won’t help you.

This is my note.

These are my words.

How sick and tired I’ve become.

And how anti defeatist I’ve become.

A select few wanted me to be myself.

Now I’ve reached that moment.

I am myself.

I will always be myself.

I will fight for my code of honour.

Do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

So, if you claim that I ‘’used to be smart’’.

Well, fuck you.

I am beyond your words.

I’ll make you eat your words.

I’ve wasted enough time being depressed and lazy.

My words have truly become my mine.

 

Who I am

 

 

   

Look Into my Eyes.

Know that I am considered a monster.

Think you know my name?

Am I a psycho?

Or am I a bringer of death?

The fallen or the forsaken?

Deceiver or Monster?

Fighting this is hopeless.

Who I am is important.

My actions seep into your brain.

How much time before you go insane?

I’m infecting your mind.

Breaking through your lines.

Blackened skies.

The night is coming.

Are you prepared?

No three headed dog can control me.

You disapprove of my actions?

I’m surviving the hells that was brought to my door.

If memory serves, I’m going to be hated.

But I’m fine with this.

I won’t care for your opinions.

Opinions aren’t important to me.

I’m my own self-critic.

No one looks at me the same way as me.

Why would your opinion matter of me?

If I critique myself in everything I do.

You should open your eyes.

I am not here to be your slave.         

If you are worried about my mental state.

Then ask about it.

Don’t come and throw accusations at me.

Try to make me feel uncomfortable with my choices.

I’ve had enough.

My life.

My decision.

Want a part in it?

Then you will stop looking down on me.

If not?

Then leave my life.

I’m in control.

The night has come.

Red eyes in the darkness.

I got you now.

Who am I?

I’m the one who fights for his own survival.

Don’t open your mouth on things that you can’t comprehend.

Better be quiet.

If you don’t understand what’s happening.

Then don’t made your fucking judgement.

Your gods can’t reach into the land of shadows.

Where someone like me lives.

Godless survivor.

With a greater comprehension of life than you.

Try to poison my mind.

I’ll cure your sickness.

Don’t try to speak with my authority,

I don’t find that entertaining.

I’ll oppose your actions.

Speak against me and I’m laughing.

You can’t claim to be the older when I’m the wiser.

I know how the world works.

I see it in another light.

Who am I?

I’m the night wolf.

They call me Nachtwulf.

An identity I’ll happily accept.

It’s who I am.

My reality.

My life.

My actions.

Hate me for it.

You can declare me an idiot.

But you should know.

I don’t fucking care for your opinion.

 

 

Nightmare

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The way they look at me.

The way I’ve been talked to.

What I have done to reassure myself.

Was I bad?

Was I good?

Or was a nightmare to those who couldn’t stand me.

Dreams left unhindered.

Angered from my existence.

You hate me.

I can relate.

I hate myself too.

But I know what I am.

A nightmare by choice.

Fought the hell of being alive.

Forced to sit through the mental destruction of myself.

I can’t really claim to have been your perfect son.

You hated me for not bowing down.

I took my chance to break out.

War of attrition.

Your resources fading.

Your resolve was lacking.

Break my mind.

Tear down my world.

Never could you break my will.

Never would I bend.

A nightmare created in your image.

What a mother you were.

Greedy and horrifying to us.

Faked to be a kind soul.

But I knew the truth.

I accepted the life you had given me.

Made me the worse thing in your life.

Hated by them all.

I’d show them what you had made me.

Hated you with all my being.

Never thought of peace.

Gripped the axe of war again.

Broke your grip over me.

My father taught me many things.

You hated what I learned.

I did what I saw fit.

Morally grey.

No care for my own survival.

All that mattered was your downfall.

I will never be a slave.

I won’t be your tool.

Never will I bow to those who wish to make me surrender myself.

If you want war.

I’ll give you the war of your life.

I’ve fought mental wars.

I’ve gone up against things that is better left uncared for.

No matter the pain people put me through.

I’d always learn new ways of surviving it.

No self-preservation required.

Your defeat was inevitable.

You couldn’t win the fight you had prepared for.

I am so much more than some broken man.

Returned to strength in record time.

And now you find yourself exposed to my hatred.

I will show you the face of the one angered by this life’s unfairness.

It slowed you down.

I stared through your soul and smiled ever so wickedly.

I have succeeded you.

Using the combined traits of my father and your own tools.

I have declared a victory beyond your comprehension.

Am I evil by nature?

No, I’m a nightmare anomaly.

Feared by those who lack understanding.

I will tear out your hearts.

Break your minds.

I don’t care for who you are.

My fury is unmatched.

Step on me once and that’s shame on me for letting you.

Step on me twice and your foot is ripped off.

Try stepping on me for a third time and I take your empire as my own.

Power unfit of a morally accepted person.

If you do something I disapprove of.

The law protects you from being killed.

But I can still be the nightmare that you fear.

I don’t need your excuses.

Blame me for everything.

I don’t care.

I am something for you to know by heart.

Calm down, I’m not going to kill you.

You’re family after all.

Even if your eyes scream that you hate my inability to save him.

I don’t care anymore.

You want to fight me now?

After how it made me feel?

I carried the guilt for too long.

Now I have broken its neck.

I will never bend.

Never break.

Only fight on until my life ends.

No surrender.

No retreat.

I refuse to be a slave to my own sorrow.

I speak like a nightmare.

Haunting your soul.

I never fall.

Instead I rise.

Like the nightmare I am.

 

So many days, you’ve been gone, time has passed, yet my wounds still remain, nearing another day where I want to sit down and just ignore the world, but I can’t, they probably thought that I don’t feel, but I don’t deal with sadness the same way as them, I fight every day to not give in to what makes me want to stop walking. Days, they just run by, but I have no concept of their passing, each hour, my mind is fixed on that day, if only I could turn back time, do everything right, have total control over that day, I know it probably wouldn’t change anything, but it would feel better if I could have tried. I tell everyone that I’m alright, yet each time, I’ll find a new fault my the way I am, ever since I stopped pretending to be some one else, I’ve felt so much grief, each memory that plays in my head, a gift or maybe a curse? I remember your voice, while others may have trouble to do so, all the advice you gave still plays in my head, our many talks and arguments, how I wish I could have them again, to stand there and watch you take over a guided tour of how the Russians raided the Swedes, I’d love to hear you talk about the things that I didn’t know, learn the things you had in your head, I’m at my breaking point to what I know, despite how hard I try, I can’t really accept what’s happened. They tell me that reality is harsh and I already knew this, but to hear you when you talk about history and getting to know more than that. Watching you get angry at something when it didn’t work properly, yelling at an object that can’t talk back, I keep hoping that I can be half the man that you were. No matter how rough life was, I always had a warm home, despite all the things that they did, I knew that you would be there, so, I can’t believe how many days you’ve been gone, I’m grateful for the days I’ve had, but I wish there could have been more, how useless I felt, trained to do good, yet I couldn’t do anything that day and no matter how many times I tell myself, I could have done nothing more, I still can’t help to blame myself. If I could have had more days, then maybe this wouldn’t be so hard, taken before your time, yet, I know, I could have done nothing more and now I just count the days in life that I am given, to remember you.