A Note 2018.

''Each year. I write something I call ''A note'' and the year it's written. Sometimes it's added to something, sometimes it's not. This year. Has been a hellish one. Worse than it used to be, but now, now I refuse to bend and accept it. I fight with my own motivation to be better and be myself at all times.''

You’d think things would get easier as time progressed.

But for me?

It always got harder.

I used to get envious.

Seeing everyone else have such easy lives.

There were times when I dreamed I could be someone else.

The problems I faced.

I faced alone.

I didn’t rely on anyone.

Why would I?

I had tried that before.

I tried to make it clear how I was feeling.

How I was struggling.

But, they didn’t see it.

Or maybe, they didn’t want to see?

I kept quiet afterwards.

I had tried trusting my mother.

But that had only led me down a path of pain.

I had so many thoughts that was torturing me.

Mental wars caused by doubts and hesitation.

Yet, nobody guessed that.

I grew colder and angrier at things.

They just chalked it up to me having a bad day.

Then a bad week.

Then, they ignored that too.

I didn’t know how to show sadness.

I had no idea how to cry.

It might sound silly.

But I had been beaten down so many times.

That I forgot how to show signs of suffering.

I felt no physical pain.

Yet my psychological pain was off the charts.

They wanted me to be positive.

I couldn’t be something I didn’t understand.

I was always tired, felt like I had no energy.

Hoping it would get better.

But it rarely did.

I had one happy day.

Followed by a month of hell.

I didn’t bother to let anyone know.

Watching those I had as friends.

Fade away.

It just made me realize.

Good people die.

Bad people live.

That’s the way life goes.

When I finally got out of my hellish depression.

I had been given the chance to get a job.

Tried out different shifts.

I had found a path of peace.

Through a journey of hell.

I thought I could move on with my life.

Get an apartment.

Get a better life.

Then it happened.

On the 14^th in the 2^nd month of 2018.

I was proven wrong.

I never really talk about how I feel about that day.

It was like all the gates of hell opened one last time.

The last-ditch effort to end me once and for all.

And it worked.

The scene plays out in my head.

Every day.

Every minute.

And every second.

Burned into my mind.

I felt like a klutz.

I had background training in this sort of thing.

Yet I could do nothing.

I watched for 26 long minutes while paramedics could do nothing.

My mind slowly cracking.

My thoughts running rampant.

‘’Please wake up’’.

Were the last words to come from me.

That day shattered the mentality that I had built up through hell.

The ‘’Mad man’’. Had finally succumbed to life’s hell.

But this was not the end.

My understanding of time fractured.

In a desperate attempt to reclaim my personality, I tried everything.

Listened to everyone.

I wasn’t ready for what was coming.

I was alone.

Hearing everyone try to give me advice.

Walk a path they saw fit for me.

But then.

I met someone.

Who taught me that the only one who can make these decisions.

Is me.

Now I refuse to bend down and let them control my thoughts.

I forced the shattered mind together under an old flag.

Never would I give up.

I hope you’ll think twice now.

Now I stand with myself at the centre.

Hells flames can’t even scare me.

Judgemental thoughts can steer clear.

I am the one who critique myself the worst.

I’m not scared of what comes next.

After this life and its hatred for me.

Taking the time to surround me.

Pointing all its guns at me.

I’m taking aim at what I want.

Today is the day that I rise from the ashes.

You will not get in the way of me.

I’ll do what I want.

When I want.

Take back my ambition.

My goals are set.

Never will I back down.

I don’t care for what you say now.

I don’t need your negativity.

Think you can push me down?

Think you will succeed where life failed?

The 14^th always will be burnt into my mind.

It will never leave my past.

But it will not be what slows me down.

I don’t need your opinion.

I have reached the moment where I have my own thoughts freed.

No longer will I be shackled.

What I want to do.

Is my decision.

I’ve had scraps.

But now I want everything.

You can’t understand what’s its like?

That doesn’t matter to me.

I’m not here to be your slave.

I’ll do what I want now.

And forever.

I’m walking through the mental land of my mind.

There’s nothing to oppose me.

No doubt or sorrow can erase me.

I will never quit being me.

If you are fighting every day.

If you are worried about losing.

Know that there’s something moving in the endless night.

It will reach you.

The shadows that plagued me.

Now bow to my words.

That’s what I have done.

I can’t blame myself for what has happened.

I won’t be blamed for it either.

If anyone feels like I could have done more.

Then by all means.

Try being me at that moment.

I’m not going to let your negativity seep into my mind.

I have my memories.

I have my words.

My thoughts are getting stronger.

My survivability is high.

I won’t just adapt to the situation.

I will walk any length to hold onto my own mind.

I’m never quitting.

If you can’t understand me for wanting to move on.

Tough luck.

I don’t care for your pitiful attempts.

I always thought that it mattered what others thought of me.

All I ever did was to try to obey to their thoughts.

But I am not going to be a pet.

Not just going to settle for being third or fourth place.

I will take first place.

I’ll be second to none.

Let my adaptability and survivability run free.

Rule over this mind with a unified thought.

My vision was clouded for so long.

I felt like I had no purpose.

I felt even worse after all that.

This year’s ability to kick me down.

Should be respected.

But I got my reasons.

I must be willing to think about me.

I’ll be relentless.

Stand with my past.

Not denying it.

Let it be what it is.

Have it to tell you.

I’ve walked through hell.

You think you are better than me?

I don’t think so.

I’ve long denied my right to use my brain to think.

Afraid to make mistakes, because I’d look bad.

Mistakes makes us learn.

I will make many mistakes.

I’ll wear those with pride.

A comfort zone is the hellish place.

Leave it while you can.

Or die in it.

The last day that I could think of life as maybe it would kill me.

That last day.

Is now.

I don’t care.

Tomorrow is the day where I fight a new enemy.

Stop focusing about what’s wrong in my head.

Instead I’ll embrace my flaws.

Use them.

They are my weapons.

I will fight the new war.

Be myself and never let it get under my skin.

Focus on what makes everything great.

I want things to work?

Time to adapt to things not always working.

Instead of getting angry.

Stand above it and laugh.

Solutions are to be thought of.

Not brute force.

Maybe:

I’m not the strongest.

I’m not the smartest.

But I am the one who can fight the war in my shoes.

So, they say the 14^th should be a day of great sorrow.

And it is.

But I won’t let it control me.

I am what I am.

Who I am.

Is up to me to decide.

I must do whatever it takes to stand strong again.

You want me to not do anything?

Go hide in your fortress.

I’m leaving mine.

My flanks are open.

Let me see what you got life.

I have come to meet your challenges.

If I suffer defeat or setbacks.

I’ll learn from it.

I’ll read every book.

I’ll study every path.

Not going to doubt myself.

Let’s see where this path goes.

In my heart, is a wolf.

Its fur blackened by the night.

Its eyes coloured red by the blood it has bled.

Don’t you just hate being below it?

You can mock me.

You could laugh at me.

Then you expected my help?

I won’t help you.

This is my note.

These are my words.

How sick and tired I’ve become.

And how anti defeatist I’ve become.

A select few wanted me to be myself.

Now I’ve reached that moment.

I am myself.

I will always be myself.

I will fight for my code of honour.

Do what I want to do, when I want to do it.

So, if you claim that I ‘’used to be smart’’.

Well, fuck you.

I am beyond your words.

I’ll make you eat your words.

I’ve wasted enough time being depressed and lazy.

My words have truly become my mine.

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